Kings of Omazing!

If you don't follow me on Twitter then you've been missing this. I don't like to think of you missing out. So here you go.  :)  All drawn on my phone on the way to work.

Let's hope they don't form a coalition

Ive drawn strontium dog!

I drew this on a phone! How mental is that!?!

How to get an idea

Living without Instagram

Let's face it. Instagram was awesome. It made hipster photographers out of us all. Suddenly taking a picture of your gingerbread latte didn't seem like a stupid thing to do.

You could slap a filter on it blur it a bit put a border round it, and hey presto!

It looked like your gingerbread latte was from 1977.

30 percent of photos taken using instagram were of gingerbread lattes.

Gingerbread lattes didn't exist in the 70's.

Now that Instagram have decided that they own all photos on instagram it's not quite as hip.

That's a great picture of a blue berry muffin. So good everyone on twitter would love to see it. But it's not your photo. It was your muffin. It went well with the latte. You owned the muffin and the phone you took the picture with. But it's not yours.

And neither are the pictures of your art or for that matter your kids.

So we need to learn how to get along without instagram.

Here's a pic of a Spleenal figure I made and a free happy meal thing.

Everything's auto focus these days so if you need to blur something you'll need a clear plastic lid or bag or something.

Nice. Bit dark but in a brightly lit Starbucks that would look lovely.

One nice thing Instagram used to do for us was really jack the colour up for that retro "We've just invented colour and we're gonna use it" vibe. For this we need a Sainsburys carrier bag. That's what you've been keeping them for.

Just stick it over the nearest light...

Aw yeah! Now we're talking!

Borders were another cool thing from Instagram. So here's me taking a shot though a square cut out of a piece of paper. Sweet.

This is nicer though. A hole in a bit of paper with rounded corners!

Now using some of those zigzag scissors... Like it!

 And now with a bag over the light with the plastic lid filter and a zigzag border.

Who needs instagram?

This would be a bad idea yeah?

Lazy work shy bastards!

I hear a lot of lazy bastard bashing coming from the government. It's like they want us to hate the lazy more than them or something.
The inference is usually that if benefits get small enough in real terms that will "encourage" the work shy back to work.
Here's a work shy lay about now...

Instead of cutting back further and further to change the lazy. Lets just wave a magic wand.

Shazoop!

I've done it! This and every other lazy work shy slob in the country now wants to work!
Sorted! Problem solved. The Government are going to be so pleased.

Oh right. I don't think I've solved anything.
If everyone who didn't have a job wanted a job that would be a bigger problem than we have now....

.............................

Reading the Daily Mail had done nothing to stop Richward loosing his job.
What it had done though was drum into his head that people on benefits were lazy good for nothing, nice trainer wearing, legal high taking, x-box playing, Jeremy Kyle guests.

And now the country would think that of him.
He really needed this job...

It hadn't started well. The receptionist had called him Richard "Er actually it's Richward."
"Richard?" She answered with a raised eyebrow.
"No Richward. With a er... with a W."
She looked at Richard for a couple of seconds. "If you can just take a seat, Richard, we'll get to you soon."

"At least I'm the only one here for the interview." Thought Richward.

Then the door burst in and they all piled in.
It was like the Jeremy Kyle studio was next door and Jeremy had told them all there was free booze and a buffet next door.
"This where's the jobs are, like?" One of them asked.
"Er no." Richward lied. He didn't need the competition.
"Yeah it is twat face!" Another shouted.

Why had the Government waved that magic wand? Richward wondered. Couldn't they have waited until everyone who wanted work had it? Then they could have fixed this lot.

"Oh, you mean the job interview?" said Richward "It's just back though that door and to the left."
"Aw cheers mate!" Said another of the recently not lazy with some of the worst teeth and best trainers he'd ever seen.

Richward was sweating. The last of them were almost out of the door.
Then the receptionist came in though the other door and said " We're ready for your interview now Richard,"

Richward dived for the exit but it was too late.
"Job interview is that, like?"

9 murders

If I'm bored or can't sleep I think of stories. Always have since I was a kid.
I used to think up sequels a lot. And crossovers. A lot of Doctor Who showing up in other films and TV shows.

One story in my head at the moment is the guy always left after the apocalypse is always a tough cop or something. But what if he was a banker or trader? How would that guy deal? That's what that picture is about.

Another is 9 murders (or maybe more) A story that's just the murder scenes. Probably out of sequence. The people get killed for who they are and what they've figured out. Chapters would even be called Murder 1, Murder 4, Murders 6,7 and 8.

Not much scope for comedy in that one.

I re-wrote the Phantom menace too. That's pretty mental isn't it? Jar Jar's a little sharper. Likes to be called Binks. Says stuff like...
"That's twice I've saved your life."
Obi Wan "When was the other time?"
"When we met and I decided not to kill you!"

Well anyway. There's that.

I write Dennis (the menace) and Gnasher for the Beano

If you haven't heard already from my twitter feed or from facebook or from walking past my house as I shout it out of the window.
I write Dennis and Gnasher for the Beano.

Writing is rewriting I believe Hemingway once said.

I'm finding writing is mostly crossing out.